Warning : Content Of A Sensitive Nature

I remember the days when I used to get so excited about the summer holidays, because it meant no school, hanging out with my friends, sleeping in and going cool places. But the past few years, the summer has meant one thing to me - being alone. And this year is the worst by far.

Not that I'm saying I've been completely alone all summer, because I haven't. I've seen a few people a couple of times, and seen Alex every day, which makes me feel better. But when the people you had hoped would be there for you are too busy with their own summer to even remember you exist, that's when it hurts. Or when someone's always miraculously busy when you're not, and promises to let you know when they're free, only to forget the next day, or worse, not text you because they don't actually want to see you.

I miss the days when everyone used to have a best friend. Or multiple best friends. I don't think that any one of my friends would consider me their best friend. Seriously, I challenge you all to think of which of your friends you'd honestly rather spend time with. None of you will think of me. But fuck it. My boyfriend is my best friend. Sometimes I just wish it was how it used to be. It's not fair on either of us for me to rely on him so much, because soon he's gonna get sick of me and leave me. And then I won't have anything left.

I just feel so alone.

And I wish these feelings would go away, but they're not. I don't think they're going to either. Cuz even though I'm pretty alone right now, going back to school is going to be just as bad. Because I get to go back to a place where half the girls are fake, pretentious kids that strut around looking down their noses at me, while the other half dangle their perfect little cliques and friendship groups right in front of my nose.

I'm depressed.
But none of you would know that because none of you see me or speak to me anymore, right?
I haven't been able to stop crying for very long the past couple of days.
And it hurts so much.
But there's nothing I can do to make it go away.
Maybe I'm just a pathetic little emo kid.
Maybe I have paranoia issues.
Maybe I'm just crazy.
Either way, I'm not happy.
And I just needed to let that out.

Thanks.

Yeah man.
I'm pretty damn happy at the moment.

I offically have the best boyfriend.
Who gives me the best sex ever.
You didn't wanna know that.
But I don't care.
Just thinking about him makes me want to dance and throw flower petals in the air.
He makes everything better.
And we're gonna be together forever and ever.
And get married and make sexy babies.

HappyHappyHappy.

P.S. Does anyone know what we're supposed to be doing with our Media / Psychology coursework? I missed quite a few lessons at the end of term LOL.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that my Grandad's not coming back.
They took his body to the church last night. Everyone seemed to be dealing with it okay, but I know that today's gonna be the test. I feel so bad for my Dad, who has to make a speech on my Grandad. He'll be in pieces. And it's so scary seeing my Dad cry. He's supposed to be strong. *Sigh*

I'm so thankful to those who have been there for me the past few days. I've been a wreck at times, and certain people have held me together. Special mention to Charlotte and Lucy, who I love verily much. And of course, Mr Alex, who makes me happier than I've ever been. We had breakfast at McDonalds together this morning cuz I can't see him today. That made me smile. I need people like him in my life.

Thankyou to everyone that's been there for me.
I love you =)
xxxxx

...that everything was going to be okay.

It all seemed to be going so well, but in the space of like, a week, I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I don't even know why I'm here.

I went to my Gran's yesterday, where I sat in the front room shaking and almost hyperventilating because my Grandad's corpse was in an open coffin next door. My family didn't understand why I didn't want to go in and see him, and my Mum moaned at me for being moody all day. Am I supposed to be joyous about the fact that my Grandad is dead and his body is lying a few metres away from me? Should I be enjoying the smell of lilies and embalming fluid that's ungulfing the house?

My uncle took all the kids out to the park when the priest came over. I don't like the heat, so I stayed at my Gran's. Big mistake. He talked for an hour about the funeral and I got roped into reading a prayer on Friday. Is it wrong of me to not want to sing the hymns and say the prayers at the funeral? It's against my beliefs. It's like I'm talking to someone I don't believe in, nor want to believe in.

Worst part of his visit was when my Gran asked him to say a prayer for him. Everyone went with him, and my Mum dragged me along too, despite the fact that as soon as I stood up to walk to the next room I burst into tears and started shaking again. You could barely hear the priest over my sobbing. Seeing my dead Grandad lying in a coffin was probably the scariest and most upsetting thing I've ever seen in my life. It was horrible. And I can't get the image out of my head.

The only thing that got me through the day was Alex's promise that he'd phone me. But he didn't. I just needed to hear his voice, and hear him say that he loved me and everything was going to be okay. I was all alone, and just needed someone to be there for me. And the person I needed the most wasn't. And that hurt. A lot.

When I got home, I went on MSN to talk to Charlotte and try to make myself feel better about the whole day. My Mum asked me to make the sofa bed in the playroom for my uncle to sleep in that night, so I started it while still talking to Charlotte. She came downstairs, saw that I hadn't finished it and was talking on MSN, and pulled the plug out on me. She then continued to yell at me and tell me that I was a selfish bitch, I only think about myself, I'm moody and she's sick of me being in her face. That broke me. I thought that at a time like this, I could rely on my family to keep me together. But even that was too much to ask.

I felt so alone. The people that I needed the most had turnt away, and I felt like shit.
I cut again last night, for the first time in like, 3 months. Not bad or anything, because I couldn't get the blade of my sharpener out without leaving my room to find a screwdriver. So it was back to the trusty compass. It's always been there for me. I felt like it was my only friend. And when I was smelling my nail varnish remover (it smells so good) I had a brain wave and poured it on my cuts. It hurt so much. And felt so much better. I was up pretty much all night - I couldn't get to sleep. I found a packet of antibiotics that the doctor gave me a few weeks ago that I didn't take, and contemplated taking them so I could just get some sleep. For however long. But I didn't.

So now I'm sitting in Wallington Library wondering what the fuck I'm going to do with myself.
I'm confused.
And scared.
And I just need someone to be here for me.
Anyone.

xxx </3 xxx

Good party last night.
Sung to Fall Out Boy lots.
Got rather drunk / stoned.
Got a bit horny.
Got caught doing something with Alex in the bathrooom.
Embaressment.
I think Chris saw my flange.
Oopsie.

Peace out.
xxxx

P.S. All Wally Girls please visit here.

I loved him, even though I could never understand him with his Irish accent.
And even though he'd tease me like I was a three year old.
And try and make me laugh with lame lame jokes.
And drink lots of Guiness and slur his words.

But I guess I didn't really think him being ill was gonna be...a permanent thing.
So he had a stroke 10 months ago, and never fully recovered, still lying in a hospital bed because he can't remember how to walk. But I just figured that he'd get physio and stuff and get out and go live in a nursing home or something. So as mean as it sounds, I wasn't all that bothered. It was when he got really ill in hospital I started freaking out. The doctors said that he wouldn't make it through the weekend, but he did. And the doctors were talking about organising a meeting so he could go live in a nursing home. But he got iller last night, and today, and it wasn't til this afternoon when my mum told me that they've taken out his drips and stopped giving him medication that I started panicking. He passed away about an hour ago.

And I'm confused.
I don't quite know how to react.
I've never experienced death before, and I haven't figured out how I'm supposed to deal with this yet.

What makes it worse is that I haven't seen my Grandad for months, because my whole family usually go up on Sundays, when I tend to be working. And I never made any effort to go on a different day, cuz I'd get annoyed sitting at my Gran's house and seeing my Grandad for 5 minutes when he didn't even remember who I was because the stroke had buggered up his understanding of things.
I was supposed to go see him tonight, because we found out yesterday that he didn't have much time to live. But then my mum said that she didn't want me to go to the hospital with her and watch Grandad die. And now he has, I can't believe that I never got to say goodbye.
I'm never gonna see my Grandad again.
And...it feels weird.

I didn't exactly see him that often before the stroke anyways, but it's like...he's my Grandad, and I can't quite come to terms with the fact that someone in my family has died. Like, never coming back. It's not like he just moved away or anything...he's actually dead. I can't get to grips with that concept. I'm terrified of death.

And my Gran's gonna have to get carers because she's in a wheelchair and my Grandad used to look after her all the time. And seeing my Dad cry is the worst thing in the world cuz he's usually so calm. I hate it. I haven't seen him yet, and I'm really scared of seeing him like that. It scares me so much. And my Gran...she's lost the love of her life...I can't imagine how that must feel. If I ever lost Alex my heart would shatter into a million pieces and my body would just give up on everything. And they've been married for like, 50 years. It must hurt so much. I don;t wanna see someone I care about go through that.

I have good friends.
Everyone was there for me today, and it was so great.
In particular, Ed and Slash surprised me.
I never really talk to either of them that much, but I realised today that they are both absolutely lovely guys.
Slash gave me loads of cigarettes and kept checking I was okay.
And Ed took me for a joint and helped me talk it over and try to make things a bit clearer in my head.
And it helped so much.
Obviously, the main suspects were there for me again today.
I appreciate it so much.

I can't sleep because all I can thinnk about is death.

</3

I'm actually happy.
At least, happier than I was before.

I realised, some parts of it might not be so great, but I'm dealing with it and looking past it all. I know what I've got, and I appreciate it. There are a handful of people who mean the absolute world to me, and I don't think I'd be here today if it wasn't for them, constantly picking me up and telling me to carry on.

I haven't self-harmed for about 3 or 4 weeks.
It's not like I've made a conscious decision not to, I just haven't felt the need to. Sure, I've wanted to a few times, but the point is that I didn't. Which makes me happy.

It's also because I threw my compass across the room and lost it.

Anyway.
Just wanted to say that I'm okay.
Because of special people.
You should know if you're one of them.

I Love You.

...things can just go wrong in a split second?
How one seemingly perfect day can just go downhill from one moment?
Maybe I'm just being melodramatic.
Maybe I overanalyse things.
Or maybe I should have known that it was too good to last.

I was having such a good day today. Seriously.
I woke up with a smile on my face. I don't even know why. It was so sunny. And even though my bus pass had run out, I walked up to school with a cigarette in such a cheery mood. And there was a gust of wind, and all this pink blossom stuff went over me, and I was on the verge of dancing cuz it was just so beautiful outside (yes, I get like that). Then I went to school and had a Maths test. Which might sound bad to you, but it sounds like a fucking hell of a time to me! It was great. Then I went home, listened to music and sung a lot (I like singing ^_^) and then Alex came to see me on his way into Croydon and I was all like, YAAAAY I CAN'T WAIT TIL YOU COME ROUND LATER. Then I went back to school and went to Graphics, where I did nothing and planned my after-exams party. Smoked a cigarette outside school, got caught by the headteacher, had an arguement about it. The bus stop is not on school grounds, and what kind of retard would class me as a role model? Ridiculous, seriously. Blew smoke at her, got on bus, feeling liberated. Went home, had a driving lesson (fun fun fun)...

Mum: "You know it's your brother and sister's concert tonight?"
Me: "NO. WHAT CONCERT?! YOU SAID ALEX COULD COME ROUND."
Mum: "Oh, uhh...I thought I told you? You have to come, I got you a ticket."
Me: "Are you kidding? Seriously? But, like...EEERRRGGHHHHH"

It's so fucking annoying. Why do parents just assume that you're free, and don't tell you about things that you're apparently doing? It's totally out of order. She can't just plan my fucking life.

And cuz I threw a strop about wanting to see Alex and not go to a shitty school concert, my mum started being a bitch to me, as always. I get really down when she's mean to me. I don't know why. I think it's just cuz when we're getting along, we're really good friends. But when we're not, she's SO harsh to me, and I think, fuck it, my own mother hates me.

So I went to the concert. Sat through about 60 kids. Tried so hard not to fall asleep. Told my mum I thought the music teacher was on pills, which was greeted by an evil stare. She ignored me the rest of the time, then called me a miserable cow after. It's a fucking concert, what do you expect? You're SUPPOSED to be quiet. Geez, woman.

Anyway. I'm in a shitty mood.
One of those moods where nothing is gonna make you feel even close to okay, where everything seems so fucking pointless.
It's just, I was having such a good day, I really was.
And then...she just spoiled it. She always fucking does. I hate her. ERGH.
All I'm asking for is one day. ONE DAY to get through without anything or anyone ruining my perfect day. Seriously. Is it REALLY that much to ask for?

My mum's a cunt.

End of.

Unstable.
Schizo.
Mentally ill.
Not right in the head.
I hate my moods.
I just want it to go away.
I want to curl up and die.
For no apparent reason.
Okay, I lie.
There is a reason.
But it's a stupid reason.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
I hate myself.
What the fuck am I doing?
I'm such a depressive cunt.
Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH.

...your mood can change in one minute, over something completely trivial, and pointless. I hate it that little things get to me. Not even things that people say to me - most of the time, it's the way people say things to me that upsets me. I wish I wasn't so reactive. Gah. I was in such a good mood earlier. This sucks. It really, REALLY does.

Fucking emo twat.
I'm so annoying.
Ergh.
Self-esteem is at a low today.
*Shrug*

So, I had my interview at South West Trains today, so I can get £6.25 an hour for sitting on my arse all day selling tickets.

At the beginning of the interview, they informed me that if I got through the interview stage, I'd have to have a medical before being offered a job.

.....................................................................................

"This consists of a sight and hearing test, as well as a drugs and alcohol test. Do you agree to that?"

Oh shit.
You've gotta be kidding me.
"...Yeah"
-Awkward smile-

"So do you take any illegal substances?"

You're so screwed.
Say no.
Say no FFS!
QUICKLY!!

"...Noooo"

.....................................................................................

So I spent the rest of the interview trying to mess up so I didn't have to do the drugs test. But it went really well, despite my efforts. I tried to make out that I had an anger problem, and only wanted the job because of my Dad. But they seemed to really like me.

FFS.

Wanna know the worst thing?
My Dad works for South West Trains.
He knows the recruitment people.
And will therefore be one of the first to know when and why I have failed my medical.

I'm so unbelieveably screwed.

Advice?
LMAO.

...what a shithole Wally Girls is.

I'd forgotten about it all holiday, but it wasn't til yesterday I remembered why I hate it so much.

We had Tutorial, but Mr Newell, being the idiot that he is, didn't have anything for us to do, so he decided on 'social interaction.' This invloved me sitting on my own playing the music quiz game on my iPod and texting people looking rather antisocial in the corner, while everyone gossiped in their groups.
I don't mean to distance myself, but there really isn't anyone worth talking to in my form.
I have nothing in common with anyone, and most of them just sit in their little cliques talking about clothes and boys, giggling incessently like a bunch of chipmunks on crack.
They're so irritating.

Every single person in the school (bar maybe 20 or so) is fake.
Their hair and make-up is immaculate, their clothes look like they've been lifted straight out of Cosmo, and they've always got this crazy perma-grin on their face.
It's like, a sea of clones.
They'll smile at you in the corridor, and make small talk, then bitch about you behind your back.
The things they value most are fashion, beauty, boys and school, of course.
Cuz if they don't get that A, they'll stomp their sparkly shoed feet and pull at their perfectly groomed hair until Daddy gives that mean old teacher a talking to.

I've worried my whole life about fitting in, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
I used to get upset that I didn't fit in at school, and I felt lonely, but I've come to realise that I'd be a pretty shitty person if I did fit in, to be honest.
I prefer it here, on the outside, away from everyone else.
I've tried to fit in since I got there, and it just never worked out.
I guess you've got to accept that there are places where you fit in, and places where you don't. It's the same for everyone. It's like trying to fit a toilet through a keyhole - it just doesn't fit, and nothing you can do is gonna make it fit. It does, however, fit in the bathroom, where it's rather happy, thankyou very much.
Well, I'm happy being one of the alternative kids that everyone seems to look down on.
Cuz to be honest, I don't need to fit in there. I'm not planning on spending the rest of my life there, and when the rest of them get out there into the big bad world and realise that everyone isn't a clone...they'll die, and I'll be laughing.

Happy days.

If you're one of the decent people, you'll know.
Trust me on this one.

xxx <3 xxx

So...I've been thinking a lot recently. And I mean a lot. There's so much crap in my head, I don't even know where to begin. But I need to get it out. Prepare for the longest blog in the history of the Internet. I'm kidding. It is gonna be long though.

Anyway.

My Mum booked me a doctor's appointment without telling me, so she can force me into counselling. I don't want to. I know for a fact that I'm not ready. I don't even know if I want to quit. It's not like I do it often, or severely, so what's the deal? Even if I did want to stop, I don't want therapy shoved down my throat. I acknowledge I have a problem. Hell, I have loads. But they're mine, and up to me to sort out. Cuz at the end of the day, if my heart's not in it, I'm never gonna make any progress. And I don't wanna let anyone down. Honestly though, I thought about it, and the only reasons I have for quitting involve me wanting to satisfy other people, and tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's a good enough reason. If I try and quit, it'll just fail, so what's the point? I don't mean to be totally negative. I will do something. I'll attempt to cut down, but no promises. Maybe if I straighten out everything else that's wrong with me, the cutting will just ease out. *Scratches head*

Commence detailed personality analysis.

I really do let things get to me. I just can't deal with it when things don't go how I planned, or when things get too much. I don'r react to things when they happen (usually). At least, I don't show it. I let stresses gradually build up inside of me til I'm at breaking point, and then I lash out at myself. I suppose it doesn't help being a lazy fuckhead either. I never get anything done. I'm such a failure. I know I need to get that sorted. Maybe if I did my work as I went along, I wouldn't get so stressed out when I realise I have a pile of overdue work the height of Everest. Maybe I just don't work that way. Maybe I'm too stubborn to change. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that I'm just too lazy. I'm terrible at dealing with things. I really am. I need to think of something else to release the stress before reaching for the nearest sharp object. I just haven't thought of anything that remotely gives me the same feeling. =\

I'm honestly the most obsessive person you will ever meet. It's not healthy. It's like, a way of diverting my attention away from the real world and my looming problems. A way of excaping, I guess. It's like, I'll switch on a Johnny Depp movie and get lost in it just for those few hours. Or I'll jump on a train to a faraway place and spend a day with Freefaller. At least, I used to. It was so great. Wherever I was, I'd have such a laugh, I'd meet new people...and fit in. It's weird. The obsessions make me feel better too. I dunno how to explain it. I guess I feel close to them in a weird way. Take Pete Wentz for example. Starting way back before everyone jumped on the bandwagon and worshipped at his feet. I idolise him. I don't think he's hot, or want to have his babies, or do him in the back of the tourbus. I just have to read or hear his lyrics and lose myself. I'll read his journal, and feel so much better, cuz it makes so much sense and I won't feel so alone anymore. It sounds so lame, but I can't think of any other way ot explain it. It sounds crazy. I am. Who cares.

I really do have a warped outlook on things. Most of the time, I don't see what other people see. Especially when it comes to me. I don't have very high self-worth. I never have. I'm constantly questioning why someone is friends with me, or if they just feel sorry for me, or what they're getting out of it. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I depend on other people way too much. I'm hardly ever happy when I'm alone. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I need constant approval from someone to feel good about myself. When I'm not with someone I love, I go crazy. I get lonely so easy. I wish I didn't rely on other people so much. Really, it's ridiculous. You have no idea how upset I get when I'm alone, especially if the person I want to see is somewhere else while I'm at home. It makes me question myself. I wish I could explain. I'm insanely jealous of other people's relationships 24/7, especially boyfriends. I think I'm a bit possessive. I don't mean to be, but I think I just need to know that they're there, and will be in teh future. Blergh. It's so stupid. I'm so dependant on other people, I can't cope with things when I'm on my own. I feel so alone, and empty. It's the crappest feeling in the world. And I feel so angry at myself for constantly needing attention. I really can't help it. I wish I could.

I know I'm crazy.
I just don't quite know what I'm supposed to do about it. I know something's not right and I know I need to make some changes, but I don't even know where to start. Sometimes, I just feel so suffocated by it. I can't do this on my own. Blergh.

End.

...it's my first entry.

Wow, so this is LJ.
It's a bit scary.
I feel saffe with MySpace.
This is just KERAZY.

Anyway.

I'm feeling a bit down today.
I meant to get so much work done...but I didn't.
I don't know why I didn't...there's just this mountain of work that's looming over me and never seems to get any smaller, even though I try my best to make it shrink.
Maybe I'm just shit.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
I'm a failure.
I'm a total bum.
I drink, I smoke, I bum around.
And that's how I like it.
I feel like giving up.
There's no point.
FFS.
Ergh.

Also feeling lonely today.
I met up with Laura and Jen for a hot chocolate today, but I still don't feel right.
I can't put my finger on it, but something's not how it's supposed to be.
I think I'm paranoid.
I can't help thinking things about people, and thinking 'what if' and 'how come'...and it drives me insane, cuz I always think the worst of people.
I think that's my problem.
I don't trust anyone.
I don't -want- to believe that they like me, or that they're my friend, or that they care about me.
I don't know why...that's just how it is.
I don't feel like I'm worth people being nice to me, therefore they're being fake.
Is it wrong of me to think that?
This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, it's just me thinking.
Being bored and lonely at 1am never results in anything good. Cuz I just think too much.
Maybe I'm taking things too seriously.
But then again, what if I AM right about people?
What if I'm being walked all over and I'm just letting it happen cuz I'm trying to tell myself that it's all in my head?
Why are things so friggin weird?!

I know one thing's true.
I wish he was here.

..............................................................................

Sorry...

A bit heavy for my first entry.
Ah well.
At least it's set the scene for the rest of my blogs.
Things don't get any more cheerful from here.

Trust me.

..............................................................................

Stace
xx <3 xx